I Have No Close Friends: Support from a Therapist Specialising in Social Anxiety
- laurawilkes123
- May 14
- 4 min read
“I have no close friends.”
It’s something people often say while carrying shame, if they say it at all. And if you’ve found yourself Googling those words or quietly repeating them in your head, I want you to know: it's not to do with your 'likeability', you are likeable just as you are.
As a therapist who specialises in social anxiety, I work with many people who carry this quiet ache. They long for deeper connections but feel unsure how to get there. If this is you, I hope this post helps you feel seen, understood, and a little less isolated.
Why Does It Feel So Hard to Make (or Keep) Close Friends?
There are so many reasons someone might not have close friends. Social anxiety is a big one, but it’s not the only one. Maybe you moved recently. Maybe you’ve been through a life change - like illness, grief, burnout, or becoming a parent - that’s left you feeling distanced or disconnected. Maybe your friendships have always felt a bit one-sided. Or maybe you’ve just never quite felt like you “fit.”
If you also experience social anxiety, there’s often another layer at play. Social anxiety can make it feel unsafe to open up, hard to initiate plans, and exhausting to be around others—even when you deeply want connection.
Thoughts like:
“They probably don’t like me.”
“I always say the wrong thing.”
“They’re just being polite.”
“I’m too awkward / boring / intense…”
...can show up so loudly that it feels safer to stay distant than to risk the shame of being judged, rejected, or misunderstood.
“Everyone Else Has Friends But Me”
This is such a common belief, especially if you spend any time on social media. It can seem like everyone else is in group chats, going to brunch, and sharing inside jokes while you're just… not.
But here’s the truth: so many people feel disconnected. They’re just not posting about it.
In therapy, I hear this sentence—“I have no close friends”—from people across all ages, backgrounds, and walks of life. People who are kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and very likeable. Loneliness isn’t a character flaw. Often, it’s the result of experiences that have made trust and vulnerability feel risky.
What If I’ve Always Struggled With Friendship?
If you’ve never had a close friend, it’s easy to start believing the problem must be you. That somehow, you’re inherently different, flawed, or hard to be around.
But that’s not true. What’s more likely is that your nervous system has learned to stay guarded as a form of protection. Maybe you were bullied, left out, or raised in a family where emotional closeness wasn’t safe or available. Maybe you’ve been let down in the past. Or maybe it's something you're not aware of yet as it's not always an obvious memory/moment.
From experiences, your brain has learned: connection = danger. And so, it withdraws to keep you safe—even when what you crave is closeness.
Healing this doesn’t mean becoming a social butterfly overnight. It means slowly, gently relearning that it’s okay to be seen. That it’s safe to be yourself, just as you are.
Practical Steps to Build Connection (Without Overwhelm)
If you're feeling ready (or even just curious) about how to start building friendships, here are a few small, manageable steps that don’t require you to suddenly become extroverted or super social:
1. Start Where You Are
Begin by noticing who’s already in your orbit. Is there someone you say hello to regularly—at work, at the gym, online? Could you take a small step like commenting on their post or suggesting a quick coffee?
2. Shift from Performance to Presence
You don’t need to impress people to be liked. Real friendship starts with showing up as you are. Practice letting go of the idea that you need to be funny, interesting, or “on.” Your calm presence is enough. Mindful breaths (inhale for 4, exhale for more!) can help in these moments.
3. Go at Your Own Pace
If big social events feel overwhelming, don’t force them. Try smaller, low-pressure environments—book clubs, hobby groups, volunteering, or online communities that align with your interests. These settings allow for gradual, natural connection. And remember, you don't need to stay for the full time, set a time you'd like to stay until and honour that boundary.
4. Be Gentle with the Inner Critic
If you find yourself spiralling after interactions (“Why did I say that? I sounded so weird…”), that’s your anxiety talking—not the truth. Notice the pattern. Name it. And try offering yourself a kinder narrative.
Therapy Can Help You Reconnect—with Others and Yourself
If you’re struggling with loneliness, social anxiety, or the deep ache of having no close friends, therapy can be a safe place to start healing.
Together, we can explore:
Why friendship feels hard for you
The stories you’ve been told (or tell yourself) about being “too much” or “not enough”
How to gently build trust in yourself and others
I offer video therapy for those who want real-time support from the comfort of home, and email therapy if you prefer to process things slowly, in writing. Both are designed to meet you where you are, without pressure or performance.
You don’t have to navigate this alone.
📩 If you're ready to begin or just want to ask a question, get in touch with me here. You deserve support, connection, and to feel seen—exactly as you are.
Warmly,
Laura