Go Easy: 10 Gentle Ways to Build Your Self-Esteem

Many people I work with, especially those living with social anxiety, have learnt to shrink, self-criticise, and overachieve just to feel “enough.”

The truth? You don’t need to radically change who you are to build self-esteem. You don’t need a glow-up or a five-year plan. You need gentleness. Small acts of self-loyalty that add up over time.

Here are 10 gentle, realistic ways to begin building your self-esteem- no harsh self-help talk required.

(and it's ok if these 10 things feel too big right now too, begin when you are ready).

1. Start by Noticing the Voice in Your Head

Self-esteem doesn’t start with thinking you’re amazing. It starts with noticing how harshly you speak to yourself. Try this: over the next few days, gently tune in to your inner voice. Is it encouraging, or punishing? Would you speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself?

You don't have to do anything other than notice it. Awareness is the first shift.

2. Practise Small Acts of Self-Loyalty

Low self-esteem often stems from self-abandonment - doing what you think pleases others instead of what feels true for you.

Try this: notice when you’re about to say yes to something that feels like a no. Start small. Even pausing to ask, “What do I actually want here?” is a powerful step. You don't need to actually say "yes", just noticing is key.

3. Reduce the Input That Makes You Feel Less Than

We absorb more than we realise - from social media, podcasts, even well-meaning advice. Ask yourself: Does this make me feel inspired or inadequate?

It’s okay to unfollow, mute, or take breaks from anything that reinforces the idea that you’re behind, not enough, or broken. I've done this recently myself!

4. Reframe “Confidence” as Self-Connection

You don’t need to be the loudest or boldest person in the room. True self-esteem isn’t about performance, it’s about knowing and accepting yourself.

Let confidence mean: I have my own back. Even if your voice shakes. Even if you take up just a little more space than last time.

5. Let Small Risks Count as Progress

You don’t need to take big, dramatic steps to build self-esteem. In fact, smaller, manageable risks are often more sustainable and more powerful. Try this: choose one small thing that stretches you gently. It might be sharing your opinion in a group chat, making eye contact in conversation, or posting something honest online.

Let that be enough. Let it matter. Because it does matter.

6. Speak to Yourself in a Way That Builds You, Not Breaks You

If your inner voice is critical by default, try this subtle shift: Add a gentle “of course” to your thoughts.

→ “I feel anxious... of course I do. This situation is hard.”

→ “I messed up… of course I did. I’m learning.”

Compassion allows you to validate rather than dismiss your feelings. Which links back to point number 2 - it's a form of self-loyalty!

7. Celebrate the Quiet Wins

If you live with social anxiety or low self-worth, it can be easy to overlook the small things:

→ You went to the event, even if it felt hard.

→ You shared your true opinion, even if your voice shook.

→ You rested instead of pushing through.

Let these moments count. They matter.

8. Practise Receiving Kindness

This one is deceptively hard for many of us. When someone offers a compliment, encouragement, or warmth, notice your urge to deflect or downplay.

Try instead: take a breath, and simply say “thank you.”

That’s it. No apology, no explanation. Just receiving. It’s a self-esteem muscle, too.

9. Let Go of the “Fixed” Identity

Self-esteem can’t grow when you’re locked into stories like:

→ “I’m just shy”

→ “I’m not a confident person”

→ “I always mess things up”

There's so much certainty in those statements, there's no room for anything else to be possible. Try softening those labels. Add yet, or for now.

→ “I find speaking up hard...for now.”

That gives your brain room to grow.

10. Get Support That Feels Safe and Shame-Free

You don’t have to rebuild your self-esteem alone. Therapy offers a space to feel seen without judgment, and to gently challenge the beliefs you’ve carried for years.

Whether you process best in conversation or writing, I offer:

• Video therapy: a warm, connected space from wherever you are

• Email therapy: thoughtful, reflective support in writing, at your own pace

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Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to “Fix” Yourself to Be Worthy

You don’t need to become someone louder, brighter, or braver to be valuable. You can start right here, by going easy on yourself. By noticing when you're being hard on yourself. And by practising just a little more gentleness, every day.

Warmly,

Laura