I Don't Think I Like My Partner Anymore
This is perhaps a thought you've had and once you've had it, it comes up again and again. It may have caught you by surprise but now it sticking around and making you doubt your relationship. I want to offer some reassurance in that it's one that is shared by many people who are in relationships.
You might have found that when you first thought it, you dismissed it or tried to convince yourself it was wrong >> He's a good dad. He's not a bad person. I love him, I think. I just get annoyed when he does X and we haven't spent much time together recently, but do I even want to spend time with him?
If that's where you are, I want to say first that this is far more common than anyone admits, and it rarely means what you're afraid it means (you're relationship isn't doomed).
Liking and loving aren't the same thing
Love can sit quietly in the background of a long relationship, tied up with your history, your children and the life you've built. Liking is more day to day. It's whether you enjoy their company, whether you feel warm when they walk in, whether you feel seen by them.
Liking is also the first thing to go when you're exhausted and overwhelmed.
Think about an ordinary day. You've noticed the school shoes are too small, booked the dentist, remembered the party present, planned dinner around what's in the fridge and absorbed everyone's moods since breakfast. Then your partner comes home and asks what's for dinner, or what he can do to help. It's a kind question. It also lands on a decision you made hours ago, on your own, and it hands you one more thing to manage, which is him.
Do that for months or years and something shifts. You stop seeing the person you chose. You see the person who doesn't notice and adds to your overwhelm rather than reduce it.
Resentment changes how you see him
Resentment is one of the most misunderstood feelings in relationships. People treat it as a trait that isn't likeable. A bit like how we often view jealousy like a green eyed monster, resentment can feel similar to that.
I see it differently. It's information. It tells you that something has felt unfair for a long time and hasn't been said out loud.
The tricky part is that resentment colours everything. Once it has built up, even his good moments get filtered. He does the bath and you think, finally. He makes you a cup of tea and you think, it's the least he could do. You're not being unreasonable. Part of you is guarding against getting your hopes up again.
That's why "do I even like him?" so often turns up when you're tired, stretched and keeping a silent tally. It says more about how much you're holding than about the relationship itself.
Why so many of us keep it to ourselves
Most women who come to me haven't said this thought to anyone, not friends and not their partner. It feels disloyal, or ungrateful, or like saying it might make it true.
So it stays in your head, and with nowhere to go... it grows. Meanwhile your partner often has no idea. From where he's standing things might look fine. You're managing, you're smiling, you say you're okay. Nothing has told him there's a problem. The gap between what you feel and what he can see is often wider than either of you realises.
What tends to help
I don't diagnose and I can't promise how things will turn out, but there are a few things that make a difference to the people I work with:
Let the thought exist without judging it. Having it doesn't make you cold or ungrateful.
Get specific about what's wearing you down. "I don't like him anymore" is huge and vague. "I'm tired of being the only one who remembers" is something you can say out loud and do something about.
Think about the conversation you've been avoiding. Most of us wait for a perfect moment that never comes. One calm, honest sentence is usually worth more than a big talk you keep rehearsing.
If you're not sure where to start, I've put together a free household rebalance guide that walks you through opening that conversation and sharing the load in a way that lasts. You can download it here.
You're allowed to not know yet
You don't have to decide today whether you're staying, leaving or fixing anything. Wondering whether you like your partner doesn't mean the love has gone. For a lot of women it means they miss feeling close, and they've been running on empty for too long.
If this sounds like your life, you're not the only one thinking it. And that thought doesn't mean your relationship is doomed and there's no moving on from it.
If you'd like to explore how therapy can help (either individual or couple), send me an email at laura@laurawoodtherapy.co.uk and we can have a chat.
Take care,
Laura
