Conflict, Communication and Me (A Therapist Who Finds Conflict Uncomfortable)
- laurawilkes123
- Jan 13
- 5 min read
I’ll start with something that might surprise people.
I’m a psychotherapist who works with communication and relationships, and I still find conflict uncomfortable.
Not because I don’t believe in it.
Not because I think we should all avoid it completely.
But because, like many people, my nervous system doesn’t love raised voices, tension in the room, or the feeling that something might go wrong. And "doesn't love" is putting it lightly, most of the time I'd like the ground to swallow me up.
And I know I’m not alone in this. Many of the people I work with feel the same way.
They care deeply about their relationships. They want connection, closeness and understanding. But the idea of conflict makes their chest tighten and their stomach drop. So they stay quiet, soften their needs, or wait until things feel unbearable before saying anything at all.
If that sounds familiar, this blog is for you. Grab a cup of something comforting and let's look at this together.
Why conflict feels so hard
For a lot of us, conflict isn’t just about disagreement. It’s about what disagreement means.
It can signal:
rejection
disconnection
being misunderstood
being seen as difficult
upsetting someone we care about
If you grew up in an environment where conflict led to withdrawal, silence, anger or instability, your body may have learned that speaking up isn’t safe.
Or if, like me, you grew up where conflict just didn't happen in front of me (my first memory of conflict was people getting told off at school), the absence of conflict can also lead to the fear of it. It's new, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, get me out of here.
So even as an adult, with insight and self-awareness, your instinct might still be to keep the peace. A lot of my clients struggle with this when they know the person they want to talk to is a safe person, yet they still feel silenced by their feelings of fear.
The myth of “healthy conflict”
There’s a lot of messaging that says conflict is healthy.
And that can be true.
But what’s often missing is the acknowledgement that learning how to tolerate conflict takes time, support and practice. Especially if you’ve spent years doing the opposite.
Healthy conflict isn’t loud or dramatic. It doesn’t require you to be fearless or perfectly articulate. And it certainly doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong if your heart races or your voice wobbles.
Healthy conflict is simply honest communication in the presence of discomfort.
And that’s hard. Really, really hard.
When avoiding conflict feels easier (but costs more)
Avoiding conflict can feel like the kinder option in the moment.
You tell yourself:
“It’s not worth it.”
“I don’t want to upset them.”
“I’ll just deal with it.”
“I don’t want an argument.”
And short term, things stay calm. That moment of relief when you decide to just not say anything. PURE BLISS!
But that doesn't last does it? Long term, the conflict doesn’t disappear. They tend to turn into resentment, emotional distance, or a quiet sense of loneliness within the relationship.
I see this often with people who are capable, caring and used to managing things quietly. They don’t shout. They don’t demand. They cope.
Until coping becomes exhausting.
And I'll let you in to a secret. You are in conflict with someone even if you don't say anything to them. They just don't know about it.
What’s helped me (and my clients) rethink conflict
One of the most helpful reframes I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, is this:
Conflict isn’t a failure of the relationship.
Conflict doesn't mean they don't like you.
Conflict isn't an indicator that anyone has done anything wrong.
(To be clear- this doesn’t mean actively seeking conflict or purposefully wanting to hurt someone).
Honest communication, even when uncomfortable, is often what allows relationships to grow and rebalance.
Another important shift is letting go of the idea that you need to communicate perfectly.
You don’t.
You don’t need the right tone, the right timing and the right words all at once. You need enough safety and enough honesty to begin.
Sometimes that sounds like:
“I find this hard to talk about, but I want to try.”
“I’m nervous saying this, but it matters to me.”
“I don’t want an argument, I just want us to understand each other better.”
These statements don’t escalate conflict. They usually soften it. I explore what conflicts can look and sound like my clients all the time. It's often that first sentence which is the most helpful.
"I feel uncomfortable talking about this" - it's true! You are uncomfortable talking about it. Let the person in with your honesty. And you're uncomfortable because you care!
You can’t control their reaction (and that’s not your job)
This is one of the hardest parts.
Many people believe that if they communicate well enough, their partner won’t get defensive, angry or upset. They write a script, think of every possible scenario and response, to create a flow diagram for their conflict.
But communication isn’t a performance. It’s a relationship between two people. You can speak kindly, clearly and calmly, and the other person may still struggle with what they hear.
That doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong.
Healthy relationships can tolerate small amounts of discomfort. They don’t rely on one person staying silent so everything feels smooth.
I don’t think the goal is to become someone who loves conflict.
I certainly haven’t. And I honestly can't see a world where I sit across from someone I care about and don't feel some form of discomfort if I'm raising something I'm unhappy about. I just don't. And part of me thinks that wouldn't be me. That would be someone who cares less, who is less sensitive, less empathetic - all things I like about myself!
The goal is to become someone who trusts themselves enough to speak, even when it feels uncomfortable. Someone who knows that their needs matter, and that relationships are allowed to stretch a little without breaking.
Conflict doesn’t need to be dramatic to be meaningful. Sometimes it’s just two people learning how to be more honest with each other.
And if that feels hard, it doesn’t mean you’re failing at communication. It usually means you’re trying to change a pattern that once helped you to feel comforted and calm.
That deserves patience. Honour the discomfort you are trying to co-exist with (not overcome). It's big and saying things like "I should just talk to them about it", is minimising what you are feeling. If we could all 'just' talk, we'd all be doing it with ease.
If you'd like someone to be alongside you through life's inevitable conflicts, that's a lot of what I do with my therapy clients. Get in touch!
Warmly,
Laura
